Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Bring me that man meat
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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