I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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