I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
