It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dicks are not precious.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
