i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
