she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
