I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So much rum. So many feels.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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