Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
