oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize