Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
