if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
