maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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