just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
