we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
