I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
