I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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