I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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