I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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