Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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