A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
