Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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