Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
