that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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