am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
