I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
