Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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