I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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