I just threw up on my dentist
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
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