one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
