he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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