What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
