Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
