I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
