Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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