If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
