youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
