He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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