Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize