when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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