I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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