I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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