I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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