I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
