i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
