Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
