he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
