Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
