Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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