you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
