i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
