As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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