I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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