I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My dick has a subreddit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
