Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
