He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
