i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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