I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
