I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
