She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
