Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was confusing and full of hummus
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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