If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
