He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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